Poetry in Essence

Little Yellow House: Self-Portrait of Loneliness

2011-09-15T20:27:00.000-05:00

"That’s me alright. But me gone mad."- Vincent van Gogh
Paul Gauguin, January -- February 1903

Take me to the graying place that fills the hole
And light, she enters but could never shine as bright as
lead that poisons in your throat
and lives within the paint of your sky
Cry the tears, which never seem to fall
I lay deaf to your voice now; I never knew you called
But I instead see your voice
Hear You scream with each stroke
Manacles that bind you to frozen grounds
In the vein of angels conquered
From on high but then suddenly as lightning
Cast below the
Church hills that know no God

dream no real dreams
Below hell, what is worse than hell?
Hope and passion, which floats suspended midair
Without suspense, you should rather know Satan
I knock but know you will never answer
You can’t
I wait
You are the product of trappings
within the little yellow house
My tears they come all too easily now
I could never understand what to do
Little ol’ me as helpless and vulnerable a lamb
as you are
Tucked silently away inside gray matter
Turning rapidly, rapidly turning
Black
All without explanation
All without warning
That evil disease that eats away at the mind
Of every life changing artist
Sadness and cruelty cancer dancing cheek to cheek with
Serapes while Apep waits to swallow your scream
For its own nourishment- the thing that eats even your soul
Yet still hungers and suddenly, you are gone
You are nothing
And my dear sister
And no one will know that you ever lived
Your very existence diminished to sound and curtail
Fumes… that murder slowly
I know
I know the truth because I am just like you
There lives within the artist
An inner homelessness
It limits our true individual bonding with others
Only to ourselves
Alien to human love and connection
Strangers within the walls of our little yellow house
So that we may grow closer to God
And what we create becomes spiritual made ales (a flesh)
It’s the only time we are whole
The only time loneliness subsides
I am nothing without the gift, which God gives
You are nothing without this passion
To which God both blesses… and curses you
My dear love…
I blow kisses that turn to almond blossom
They land on thorny earth
and
Our hearts- they break without promise
and
No one will ever even know we were sound
And fumes
And names pronounced by the whisper of trees
And the sound of belly’s that scrape ground
Behind the heels of Eden exiles

~this is a piece i've written dedicated to my favorite artist Vincent van Gogh~

Summers End

2011-09-09T01:03:00.000-05:00

The twilight of Summer closes

Reflect upon times of madness

And times of lucidity

The moments of sadness

There came an exposure of truth

That God’s light revealed

Allowed me to see beyond the surface

Into what was hiding beneath

Oh what would I do without

God’s loving light of protection?

Learning that His love lies waiting

Beyond all earthly rejections

I may spend precious moments

Asking myself eternally precious “why’s”

But I thank God for discovering

The luminescent beauty in saying Goodbye

Unforgiven

2010-07-14T00:26:00.002-05:00

Starting over
Taking me to a place beyond heaven
Beyond perilous seas
Finding the strength, over coming
Or so I thought
Daydreams lost in a rolling tide
More than simply readjusting
I’m living in the shadows of your anger
A closet filled with the ghosts
Of painful wounds I thought had healed
Lighting strikes twice apparently
Thunder claps after storms have passed
Things we haven’t dealt with
My mind so ready to admit
To what my body wants to treat as a game
The wave of shock rushes in an instant
With her comes your change
Easy to become a fight
The mighty river’s great divide
Between your truth and my fantasy
My love is much too much and still ain’t enough
Your hurt runs far too deep

If you hadn’t forgiven me
You should have told me
If you couldn’t forgive me
Should’ve let its truth face me
When time passes by and you’re still filled with hurt
And it’s too much to feel what can’t be seen
When the anger is much too much
The bones of skeletons in my closet are sharp enough to cut
And the apologies I continue to give
Are still too far out of touch
When the tears that I shed
Fall on the frozen grounds of your heavy heart
Swims in the depths of darkness
Your angry silo of hatred as such
If my good can never be good enough
I will keep on trying until it is strong enough
But as I beg of you my love
Wrongs you can’t allow me to right
Allow me the secrets you keep
That I am still unforgiven
And the love that I strong-arm
Remains a love you’ve earned the right to impeach

A Soul in War

2010-03-11T01:14:00.003-06:00

Fingerless and icy
In unmoving silence I stain
These words far too distant to speak
Can’t conquer ghosts in corners of the mind

Soft and quiet like rain
I think on the last place touched
Thumb the strings of an abandoned heart
Sing of the things I miss so much

The end of a day like colorless rainbows
Their strips of faux gold lead us nowhere
Sorrow drowns out the emptying places

Tears for the sorry’s, I left them there

Your sadness screams in silence
Still, I kept my love light as feathers
And I go away for as long as you like
Hoping I will discover you... somewhere

When your heart breaks in millions
For reasons you can never seem to explain
I hear its thunderous splinter loud and clear
Sturdy as an oak on a long hard road, my love remains

There is nothing you need me to do
There is nothing left for me to
In frozen silence, post-still keeping things glued
I sit alone as love in the dark and think of you

The Great Fall

2010-03-04T14:53:00.002-06:00

Say it!

Admit it!

You had damned me Moon & Moon

I traveled lonely inside your cold Dark

Where the light you have stolen from the sun

Can not touch

Fall to my knees in glory for thine divine illumination has melted

Upon a revelation of new found communications

That at once had been lost

Our emotional ties that bind paid the cost

We came to a crossroad of an indistinct path

Remember when we came to the crossroad?

I thought I knew and you thought you'd recognize

By enterprise but instead... interjection

It was uproariously side splitting

A fool we were

A fool were you! since no one could shake your house of card faith in the strength

Of inner core

And

Its so-called light to whisper the map for life's next direction

Like consternating Gods sitting upon slumping shoulders of despair

None of it proved resourceful otherwise we'd not have been

So easily pulled into a direction of selfishness

No longer practice exclusion

Boarded up and danced to the dissonance of inclusion

Only to realize far too late

Sex wasn't the issue- just a symptom

A juggernaut of voluble insanity Filled so high

With the

"I wish you would just..."

and the

"I wish everyone would..."

I wish everyone could "see" my emotions

The light inside of me beginning to fade albeit

Nothing is promised without work to be done

Not completely out of mist but is surely a compromise

Worth the seek

I guess the world is after all promised to the meek

Am I the meek? I think I am

What so has had my my heart enraptured captured in sexual appetite

Now torn apart & nothing else has gone right

I'm finally getting love back into my life

You're finally starting to get it and I am beginning to sing again

Frown lines disappear and take shape a baby's smile

I missed so much

Inti Zen petals in my hair leave behind amorphous vista

Yes

Dust

Wintry Seas

October trees

Lit a fire inside too deep to satiate

There, protected from desires to destroy

Dissenting evil devoid of needed energy

To fulfill wrath & angers the gods of darkness

As it could only choke on mirth and confusion of

Hot white kindness and love

Crush under weight of hope and God's promised inheritance

The bond I have sought after for so long, so desperately

Has now appeared

Soaringly She Stands

Splendor and Elegance

A Thousand Emerald Cities dance in her Crystal Armor

Gallant In full view

And I, cherubically abound

Am ready to start anew

These Things Which Are Bigger Than Us

2010-03-02T05:40:00.005-06:00

The clouds

They move slowly and with purpose

But I don't mind

I don't mind that there are names

For life that human mouths are beyond pronouncing

Too deep, too profound

That thing which is bigger than anything our minds may grasp

Bigger than the flesh

That traps the power within that moves and stirs without explanation

How can I pronounce the name of grand energies that move clouds that belong to God?

When its name is the whisper of dawn

And brushes through trees and rustling of leaves

Of footsteps in the sand and spumescent tides against the shore

Of peeling away skin to wash away lovers who say goodbye

Its names is the moon borrowing light from the sun

Sounds like the loving glance between lovers who say hello

And seething anger of broken hearts

It is the realm we can not see

Until we break from our fleshy shells of simplicity

And learn the secrets once so guarded by the Watch Towers

They then give us the name we so rightfully deserve

The sound of hair cascading like angel faces in breeze

And pebbles along the tracks of silver roads that go on forever

The crackle of lights losing its power but finding it again

And golden peace in sacred silence

Frozen lakes and magical voices when no one is speaking

And peace be still when prayers enter through the gates of heaven and

Angels of the heart

Our new names: it is the sound of children we love

And the softness of watching them sleep

And most of all

When we know God is alive in all we know,

and what we see,

and what we touch

~~~

Easy Faith

2010-02-25T19:03:00.002-06:00

My perfume throws him in a small state of frenzy,

he tells me as he buries his head in the little pouch of my belly.

He breathes in my essence while taking in my soul.

I can smell his cologne.

The heat from his body...

O how it buckles my knees and enervates me as I wrap my arms around his head-
feel the softness of his hair.

I am inclined to hyperbolic thoughts of doubt and occasional tidings of "lacking faith"

but I pretend to stand assuredly in his presence.

In reality, however, for just a moment or two I divorce from hope and assurance.

I can feel his love for me.
So deeply.
I smile to keep warm in that deep place of perfect love and perfect trust.

Still,
I have severe moments where doubt is the devil who clings tightly to trembling hands.

Everyday this man tells me he loves me.

Everyday, in a million ways this man shows me that he is in love with me.

My husband.

This man.

This man I stood before God and family to profess my very existence and mode of forever to...

He wouldn't tell me something he didn't really mean, would he?
I ask myself, "How can I ever be so sure?"

The line begins to blend within the colors of dream and reality.

They blur into one another and each other, distorting crossroads to pathways
of the human state of truth until all that is left behind?

There is nothing but the ever fleeting thing that resembles the colorless color of wind: FAITH.

I love him.

Everyday, I tell that man I love him.

Everyday, in a million ways I show that man that I am in love with him
and he never seems to doubt.

He trusts.

He has faith.

This I know.

And so I embrace the sweet words of my loving husband
the way I embrace the warmth of his body
and the tender sweetness of his cologne.

I swim within the deep seas of his faith-ruled affection and adoration for me.

I have experienced the beauty of love.

Thank God, for He has sent a man who loves me the way He loves me:

with perfect love...
and perfect trust...

Mindful Heretics

2009-11-22T18:48:00.002-06:00

I inherited the atavistic mindset
Of enslaved ancestors
Their blackness impaled
By black thoughts
My reality has become one endless line
After another endless line
And the dark group meetings designed under the guise
Of quelling demonic strongholds on our minds
To sight see like zoo patrons
Up and close of what a mind too weak to recognize God
Looks like
This...
Will surely exacerbate my psychosis
So I wait and I wait again
And I wait some more
Here comes the lines again
I wait for the great light of divinity
Nothing happens
All is too quiet
The strange comings and goings
Of the more atavistic weakness in others
"Take your medicine" is the mantra
Meds for breakfast
Meds in the midday
And then comes the meds
That deliver you into dreams...
and nightmares
All so that the normal folk hired to babysit us
May finally have peace, devoid of monstrous screams
Those psychosomatic pains become real
At least they are real in my mind
The pain in my heart is like a fever that will not break
The thoughts in my head sends a paroxysm of pain
To pump through my every vein
But the desire to win bursts through
With the devil's minions in tow
What is this thing that
Which my ancestors have bestowed?
I claim not those atavistic
Slavery impaled thoughts
I claim them not
In God's name, I claim them no more

what Never was

2009-09-05T01:50:00.001-05:00

This matter of you and I
The end draws near
Water runs deep where love once appeared

Couldn’t go the distance
Not with so much resistance
Hearts like fire
Thornier still- than desire

Set to bring you to your knees
I thought I really believed
While underestimating my sociopathic affinity
I only believed in me

This matter of you and I
The core bares no trust
You told me to break your heart if I must

The impossible task
Of crushing a heart that doesn’t exist
Naked ambition absorbed between lines
Atavistic indifference amiss

What never was- could never be
What never existed
Anywhere inside of me

Intertwining features of death
Forlorn forewarned
It’ll end the same it always has
You and I are done

The question will be
Will I allow you to keep heart?
Or will I contentedly rip
Your minion soul apart?

Movable Mountains

2009-08-20T21:02:00.000-05:00

He takes away
God’s sweetest given scents
And replaces them with the stale
Dank
Odors of distrust
As the shadows take over
Debris clouds our true senses
The birds no longer chirp
I feel breezes that he
Never stops to acknowledge
So sad a world of murk
Still I stand aplomb in such wise decisions
Of giving it over
To God

God

The light of darkness sent to
Dispel our fears
We simple, distrusting fragile and broken
Humans
Made whole again by a prayer
Again by a prayer so hard to believe in
Such simplicities as
Pied-à-terre of piousness
And troubles are over
And wounds are healed
Oh God how I feel such- such
Sweet peace
I know love
By His grace I pray that He comes
To know love as well
Oh well
I am out of words (or am I?)
I am in the moon where words are not needed
And so, they do not exist
Only sounds, sweet chirps
Wind through trees
Heart open as wide as the sky
The pain and entrapment
He must feel to be this mountain
Trying to love him
To reach past the stony bridges
Of a thorny heart
The pain of the bleeding fist
Attempting to crack adamantium exteriors
I had no other place to go
But to a place of peace…

Be Still

Leaving him in his will of ill repute
Leaving him to find his own way back to me
Or not
Maybe God says it isn’t meant to be
That rejection is His protection
Oh well
I am out of sounds
Only sweet serenity remains
Comforting stillness of the heart
There is no falling apart
Not for God’s special creature
He should pray to be still and God’s
Special creature
But he is neither
Only stack of stones and the unmovable mountainous range
Loving him is like moving mountains
Wanting things to change
Rain washes evolution away
With nothing left to start again
And so I walk away
Sweet scents, sounds, and words
These things are with me
Peace Be Still in my heart
And my love is as open as the sky

No Fun

2009-06-07T03:01:00.002-05:00

I stand around
Lookin at the mindless, empty eyes of the
Drones that brainlessly enslave themselves to the useless things they own

Am I wasting away listening to all of the things
You say will make me human?
Worthy of your acceptance?
You find pleasure in cramming damned images into my mind
Your way isn’t working for me

Spend countless hours engulfed in one-way communication with television
Indulging in the lives of strangers rather than creating your own existence

Where is the excitement!!!

What’s the point of all the rules you set?
Where’s the fun in titular leading by example?
When it’s all been done before and
Nothing is new, you’re still just a follower
Isn’t that a laugh and a half?

So why not misbehave?
Make your own soap opera
Oh things,
things,
and more silly little things we acquire
To gather dust until the maid steals it
And foolish pride
And fighting over men
And wasting energy with jealousy
of the next door neighbors new Lexus

There is a wage on your happiness, my dear
I light a cigarette as I tell you honey,
the wage is the one you put on your own head
And I gotta tell ya darlin’
that price is pretty damned low

Why do you
Why do You fail to make life simple for yourself?
Ya fill it with complicated rules unnecessary to life
You allow people who don’t even know you
To
Dictate what to wear
What you drink
Where you go
Who you should love

I’m utterly convinced of its foolishness

Dirty laundry left in the hamper a few days more
Smells funny
But don’t funny make you laugh?
So what? Leave it there

Why not instead make others wish they had the…
Dare I say it… nerve to live out loud,
Full of life, live and in color?
Happy along the way- there is beauty to
Being foolish

Be foolish

It can’t be sillier than mothers who cage their babies after dark
Stuff their mouths with rubber
Instead of consoling them with loving arms
Your car receives better care

Shameful honey… ‘cause
That ain’t living
That’s just existing
And tell me, darling…

Where the hell’s the fun in that?

Second Wind

2009-05-22T23:08:00.004-05:00

Second Wind

You called me with a question

I’ve yet to hear what it was

Rambling on about everything nothing

I smile but choke on laughter

You are not a thing like me

So why did God say you were mine?

Far be it for lil ol’ me

Who could never hope to see around corners

Except in dreams

Oh!

And prayers

To doubt His words

But

I can’t help a smile when you go on and on

On and on fumbling words of love

I tend to laugh when no longer

In your site

Cleverly silly

Then again-

Maybe we are alike

Is this what God tried to show

when I wasn’t looking?

When the glare of that darned trap box

fine tuned media

finely programmed my mind

Subliminally so

Whispers of who I should want

Is this what God was saying?

When radio waves filled my ears with

the tired awnings

Of silly boys and girls who

Sing love tunes the likes of which

Their simple minds could never wrap

Unstrenuously around?

Blah-zay blah blah

I listen to no one but God, now

My love… He says it is you!

We have loved

We have broken apart

When all hope was lost, I looked up

And

Found you again

Love we have made

A child we have created

And still no wind to aid us in setting sail

But you fill my heart these days

As rain fills a lake

God’s rainbow tells us the rain is over

Land is just ahead

And a second wind has blown our sail

Towards shore

We go strong

Cloaked tightly in Gods’ loving arms

We continue on…

I love it when you say you love me

Makes me high

Makes me fly

Makes me carry on

~ i sort of wrote this piece on a bit of a whim. it is about no one and nothing else other than my fiancé and the fact that we almost didn't make it due to what i like to call irreconsilable differences. God knew otherwise, however and demonstrated so by giving us our second wind. it's why he is now my fiancé instead of simply being my baby's daddy.(LOL) the painting used above is titled The Wind Beneath My Wings by Lorraine MacLoed and has quickly become one of my favorite artists.~

Moments of Soul

2009-05-13T15:25:00.005-05:00

the little girl in me will always

love and accept you- faults and all

i, however was never enough

i accept that as well

true to grain that slips between fingers

the innocent crescent of a child’s lips

go unnoticed by those who profess

to protect her

done is done

she grows up and remembers how

you took her for granted in the days

when the sentient of her cherubous face

dwelled a bit closer to the ground

she saw her shadow some differently then

than she does now

the little girl- she lives still

within my core

but the outer shell, now punter to

greater realities of the human experience

She laughs now as she

sees you in your true light

and walks away free from sorrow

perhaps who i am has let you down

all you had was me

perfectly unperfect

you said it was all you needed

my love was good enough

but i was set up- the magnitude

of your unconscious plan to reroute

my very personality

the very thing that made me… Me

nearly splintered my subsistence beyond repair

i decided

i can no longer concern myself

with living up to standards that you

haven’t the stamina to live up to yourself

i no longer live in shame

apologetic for the crevices and cracks

that hinder perfection

but formulates the uniquely wondrous creature

who stands before you

isn’t it wonderful

the silence of peace resides where

the painful lexis of your voice

once dwelled

you are no longer in my head

and for that

God is good

i am whole

i am one

with her- the little girl once so anxious

to please those who pledged to protect her

from soulless wolves

i am love and acceptance of me

and

nothing…

nothing

could be better

-i was once in a relationship where who i was and all of the things that made me who i am was taken away by the person who claimed to love me. i found myself constantly changing and adjusting at the request of this person in order to make it work, while they did nothing to change the things they did to keep it from working. one day, i met someone who set a revelation in motion. he opened my eyes to the fact that i was in constant state of being manipulated and controlled. the day i realized this fact was a beautiful, magical day for me. i walked away from that toxic relationship and never looked back. Moments of Soul is a reflection of this time in my life when i grew up and introduced myself to the beauty of self-awareness. when i found my soul, i found undiscovered beauties within myself i never knew existed. that relationship taught me a lot: how to love and accept myself enough to never give another human being the power to tear me down . i have my wonderful soon-to-be husband to thank for opening my eyes to this person. i love you honey- so very, very much. that man truly loves and accepts me for exactly who i am. a girl couldn't ask for a better husband.~

Devil's Claw

2009-04-12T03:26:00.003-05:00

Hand of fate? Or devils claw?

Who are you but

A darker shade of cold

What is learned to defile all that is within the touch?

What was learned to miss that wretched grasp?

Those hands

Seeing them tomorrow in dreams

Bleeding over all that is poignant

Were the lips used to smile

So easy to divide and swallow? what is it that

We didn’t get?

The closer behind those eyes, the closer the soul is bared

Slow walk behind columns who dare lives there

Between concrete walls?

Ah….

It swallows its own scream for nourishment

It is all that sustains a life so wickedly inept

Fill in the hollow disparities with the souls of innocent blood

Shed

And so all has come to light

Blinding light within the truths of nature

See you there with the one dimensional stone in tow

Ready to throw

Come here no more

I recently experienced the misfortune of encountering someone to who can only best be described as callous. Fortunately, I was able to escape this person with my world still firmly in tact, thanks to my keen ability to recognize a sociopath when I see one. This person isn’t a monster or some active tormentor- no. But this person is merely a systematic, passive observer in they’re own emotional life. They haven’t the capacity to love in return because lesser people can wash into obscurity. I have dedicated Devil's Claw to this callous-natured person, choosing to grant them mercy without pardon. I must find compassion for them with full recognition that their stunted emotional development denies them the fullest enjoyment of life. Poor baby.

The one dimensional stone.

Nothing

2009-04-11T22:59:00.003-05:00

Can’t I feel something?

Can’t I feel something at all?

I don’t belong anywhere

Except inside of me

Yet, I can’t climb in

Something’s keeping me out

I don’t think I believe in love

I don’t think I believe in love at all

Where have all my emotions gone?

The pool is shallow

My reflection gives nothing away

Nothing looks back

And I can’t have any answers

Slowly I’m killing myself

Was this the dream I had for myself?

Did I ever have a dream at all?

Take me away

Take me all away

I don’t trust me, may not even love me

Cause I feel nothing

I feel nothing for me

I damn sure don’t feel shit for you

Especially not for you

Break my heart every chance you get

Don’t trust you

Don’t want to

And the best thing for me to do

Is to check out the same way

I always do

Maybe I never loved you in the first place

Maybe I never loved you at all

Maybe there will always be

What there has always been…

Nothing

Absolutely Nothing

~this particular poem is very simply about loneliness and dejection, which really isn't simple at all now is it? it's about falling victim to your own circumstances, wallowing in your own self-pity and pushing away the very people who could help you out of it- if only you knew how to let them...~

I am...

2009-04-11T21:41:00.005-05:00

I fell in love one night
With the very essence of you
Your skin glowed like the moonlight
It was then that I knew
A life without you could never do
A gentle whisper in my ear
Like a breeze on Sunday morning
Telling me you’re the one
My sun, my silver lining
And when my day starts to fade
The sky turns to gold
Releases a smoldering scent of love
Perfumes the fire in my heart
My love grows in earnest, befitting bold
I feel you next to me
I know everything is whole
Because I have you to hold

One look and I felt my heart beat
Two and I knew it was you
One, two and God whispers telling me it’s you
One, two and forever became my truth
I am alive when I am home with you
I am alive when I am loving you
I am…

~what can i say? this is a poem about meeting and falling in love with the right person. it's about realizing that you finally got it right after so much heart ache and now you are fully able to experience the peace God has always desired for you. when there is no doubt that a person is the one for you, it's because you know and understand that when a relationship is designed solely for you, love can never feel bad~