Little Yellow House: Self-Portrait of Loneliness
Paul Gauguin, January -- February 1903
Take me to the graying place that fills the hole
And light, she enters but could never shine as bright as
lead that poisons in your throat
and lives within the paint of your sky
Cry the tears, which never seem to fall
I lay deaf to your voice now; I never knew you called
But I instead see your voice
Hear You scream with each stroke
Manacles that bind you to frozen grounds
In the vein of angels conquered
From on high but then suddenly as lightning
Cast below the
Church hills that know no God
Below hell, what is worse than hell?
Hope and passion, which floats suspended midair
Without suspense, you should rather know Satan
I knock but know you will never answer
You can’t
I wait
You are the product of trappings
within the little yellow house
My tears they come all too easily now
I could never understand what to do
Little ol’ me as helpless and vulnerable a lamb
as you are
Tucked silently away inside gray matter
Turning rapidly, rapidly turning
Black
All without explanation
All without warning
That evil disease that eats away at the mind
Of every life changing artist
Sadness and cruelty cancer dancing cheek to cheek with
Serapes while Apep waits to swallow your scream
For its own nourishment- the thing that eats even your soul
Yet still hungers and suddenly, you are gone
You are nothing
And my dear sister
And no one will know that you ever lived
Your very existence diminished to sound and curtail
Fumes… that murder slowly
I know
I know the truth because I am just like you
There lives within the artist
An inner homelessness
It limits our true individual bonding with others
Only to ourselves
Alien to human love and connection
Strangers within the walls of our little yellow house
So that we may grow closer to God
And what we create becomes spiritual made ales (a flesh)
It’s the only time we are whole
The only time loneliness subsides
I am nothing without the gift, which God gives
You are nothing without this passion
To which God both blesses… and curses you
My dear love…
I blow kisses that turn to almond blossom
They land on thorny earth
and
Our hearts- they break without promise
and
No one will ever even know we were sound
And fumes
And names pronounced by the whisper of trees
And the sound of belly’s that scrape ground
Behind the heels of Eden exiles
Summers End
Unforgiven
Taking me to a place beyond heaven
Beyond perilous seas
Finding the strength, over coming
Or so I thought
Daydreams lost in a rolling tide
More than simply readjusting
I’m living in the shadows of your anger
A closet filled with the ghosts
Of painful wounds I thought had healed
Lighting strikes twice apparently
Thunder claps after storms have passed
Things we haven’t dealt with
My mind so ready to admit
To what my body wants to treat as a game
The wave of shock rushes in an instant
With her comes your change
Easy to become a fight
The mighty river’s great divide
Between your truth and my fantasy
My love is much too much and still ain’t enough
Your hurt runs far too deep
If you hadn’t forgiven me
You should have told me
If you couldn’t forgive me
Should’ve let its truth face me
When time passes by and you’re still filled with hurt
And it’s too much to feel what can’t be seen
When the anger is much too much
The bones of skeletons in my closet are sharp enough to cut
And the apologies I continue to give
Are still too far out of touch
When the tears that I shed
Fall on the frozen grounds of your heavy heart
Swims in the depths of darkness
Your angry silo of hatred as such
If my good can never be good enough
I will keep on trying until it is strong enough
But as I beg of you my love
Wrongs you can’t allow me to right
Allow me the secrets you keep
That I am still unforgiven
And the love that I strong-arm
Remains a love you’ve earned the right to impeach
A Soul in War
Fingerless and icy
In unmoving silence I stain
These words far too distant to speak
Can’t conquer ghosts in corners of the mind
Soft and quiet like rain
I think on the last place touched
Thumb the strings of an abandoned heart
Sing of the things I miss so much
The end of a day like colorless rainbows
Their strips of faux gold lead us nowhere
Sorrow drowns out the emptying places
Tears for the sorry’s, I left them there
Your sadness screams in silence
Still, I kept my love light as feathers
And I go away for as long as you like
Hoping I will discover you... somewhere
When your heart breaks in millions
For reasons you can never seem to explain
I hear its thunderous splinter loud and clear
Sturdy as an oak on a long hard road, my love remains
There is nothing you need me to do
There is nothing left for me to
In frozen silence, post-still keeping things glued
I sit alone as love in the dark and think of you
The Great Fall
Say it!
Admit it!
You had damned me Moon & Moon
I traveled lonely inside your cold Dark
Where the light you have stolen from the sun
Can not touch
Fall to my knees in glory for thine divine illumination has melted
Upon a revelation of new found communications
That at once had been lost
Our emotional ties that bind paid the cost
We came to a crossroad of an indistinct path
Remember when we came to the crossroad?
I thought I knew and you thought you'd recognize
By enterprise but instead... interjection
It was uproariously side splitting
A fool we were
A fool were you! since no one could shake your house of card faith in the strength
Of inner core
And
Its so-called light to whisper the map for life's next direction
Like consternating Gods sitting upon slumping shoulders of despair
None of it proved resourceful otherwise we'd not have been
So easily pulled into a direction of selfishness
No longer practice exclusion
Boarded up and danced to the dissonance of inclusion
Only to realize far too late
Sex wasn't the issue- just a symptom
A juggernaut of voluble insanity Filled so high
With the
"I wish you would just..."
and the
"I wish everyone would..."
I wish everyone could "see" my emotions
The light inside of me beginning to fade albeit
Nothing is promised without work to be done
Not completely out of mist but is surely a compromise
Worth the seek
I guess the world is after all promised to the meek
Am I the meek? I think I am
What so has had my my heart enraptured captured in sexual appetite
Now torn apart & nothing else has gone right
I'm finally getting love back into my life
You're finally starting to get it and I am beginning to sing again
Frown lines disappear and take shape a baby's smile
I missed so much
Inti Zen petals in my hair leave behind amorphous vista
Yes
Dust
Wintry Seas
October trees
Lit a fire inside too deep to satiate
There, protected from desires to destroy
Dissenting evil devoid of needed energy
To fulfill wrath & angers the gods of darkness
As it could only choke on mirth and confusion of
Hot white kindness and love
Crush under weight of hope and God's promised inheritance
The bond I have sought after for so long, so desperately
Has now appeared
Soaringly She Stands
Splendor and Elegance
A Thousand Emerald Cities dance in her Crystal Armor
Gallant In full view
And I, cherubically abound
Am ready to start anew
These Things Which Are Bigger Than Us
They move slowly and with purpose
But I don't mind
I don't mind that there are names
For life that human mouths are beyond pronouncing
Too deep, too profound
That thing which is bigger than anything our minds may grasp
Bigger than the flesh
That traps the power within that moves and stirs without explanation
How can I pronounce the name of grand energies that move clouds that belong to God?
When its name is the whisper of dawn
And brushes through trees and rustling of leaves
Of footsteps in the sand and spumescent tides against the shore
Of peeling away skin to wash away lovers who say goodbye
Its names is the moon borrowing light from the sun
Sounds like the loving glance between lovers who say hello
And seething anger of broken hearts
It is the realm we can not see
Until we break from our fleshy shells of simplicity
And learn the secrets once so guarded by the Watch Towers
They then give us the name we so rightfully deserve
The sound of hair cascading like angel faces in breeze
And pebbles along the tracks of silver roads that go on forever
The crackle of lights losing its power but finding it again
And golden peace in sacred silence
Frozen lakes and magical voices when no one is speaking
And peace be still when prayers enter through the gates of heaven and
Angels of the heart
Our new names: it is the sound of children we love
And the softness of watching them sleep
And most of all
When we know God is alive in all we know,
and what we see,
and what we touch
~~~
Easy Faith
My perfume throws him in a small state of frenzy,
he tells me as he buries his head in the little pouch of my belly.
He breathes in my essence while taking in my soul.
I can smell his cologne.
The heat from his body...
O how it buckles my knees and enervates me as I wrap my arms around his head-
feel the softness of his hair.
I am inclined to hyperbolic thoughts of doubt and occasional tidings of "lacking faith"
but I pretend to stand assuredly in his presence.
In reality, however, for just a moment or two I divorce from hope and assurance.
I can feel his love for me.
So deeply.
I smile to keep warm in that deep place of perfect love and perfect trust.
Still,
I have severe moments where doubt is the devil who clings tightly to trembling hands.
Everyday this man tells me he loves me.
Everyday, in a million ways this man shows me that he is in love with me.
My husband.
This man.
This man I stood before God and family to profess my very existence and mode of forever to...
He wouldn't tell me something he didn't really mean, would he?
I ask myself, "How can I ever be so sure?"
The line begins to blend within the colors of dream and reality.
They blur into one another and each other, distorting crossroads to pathways
of the human state of truth until all that is left behind?
There is nothing but the ever fleeting thing that resembles the colorless color of wind: FAITH.
I love him.
Everyday, I tell that man I love him.
Everyday, in a million ways I show that man that I am in love with him
and he never seems to doubt.
He trusts.
He has faith.
This I know.
And so I embrace the sweet words of my loving husband
the way I embrace the warmth of his body
and the tender sweetness of his cologne.
I swim within the deep seas of his faith-ruled affection and adoration for me.
I have experienced the beauty of love.
Thank God, for He has sent a man who loves me the way He loves me:
with perfect love...
and perfect trust...
